Category Archives: self-reflection

On the death of Osama Bin Laden

I don’t write much about life in the U.S. after the terrorist attacks on 11 Sept. 2001. It has shaped my life and understanding of the world and my home country in many ways that I recognize and am blind to. I was 18 at the time, off at university, living in the dorms. I wasn’t that far from home, and California is a long way from New York and Washington, D.C.

What I knew at the time, better than anything else, was that my world had shifted to something other. The last (practically) ten years have revealed what shifted, and how those cracks continue to shift, in the world. And there’s much in this new world that I’m not excited about, and a some that terrifies me.

And tonight, I watched another world-changing presidential address to the nation as President Obama announced officially that Osama Bin Laden had been killed.

But tonight’s shift constitutes something wholly other. I know that my thoughts will not resolve quickly on this. It’s a moment in history. I’m watching the news and keeping my eyes on Twitter, sharing this moment with the rest of the country that’s still awake. There are college kids partying on the streets in front of the White House, and 30somethings coming to grips with the demise of the standard reason for all of the infringements on our rights.

Rachel Maddow reported that being in the crowd in front of the White House felt like the U.S. had done something. Brian Williams likened the video images from the major cities to the images from the end of WWII. And author Matt Wallace tweeted that today wasn’t great or sad but necessary.

The television is attempting to make sense of and determine what this historical moment means for the U.S. now. Twitter is sharing the thoughts of the TV. The general consensus settles to uncertainty.

My lack of prescience places me in the camp of uncertainty. I hope that the removal of this symbol of our current threat will add to the talk-down from the constant state of terror we have lived under, and I hope that we as a country will regain some of our calm.

The Obama administration had already begun raising a voice for reasonableness (in not nearly large enough ways), and vocal social voices (like Jon Stewart and Anderson Cooper in some instances) started much earlier. If I were still that college Freshman, I might believe that the world would revert back to the former way it functioned.

But I’ve paid attention to the historical moments, and I know that the change will always remain. I hope that this new shift will create adjustments that assist in the mitigation of the dire (and often destructive) fluctuations. If this act results in nothing else, I hope that it eases the constant fear people my age and younger have lived with. Perhaps with a little less fear, we will regain our ability to actually listen to one another and enter into dialogue. If we lose our fear, perhaps we will see and acknowledge the humanity of those we disagree with and learn to understand their position.

Optimism may lead to the path of dashed hopes, but tonight, in acknowledgment of the sacrifices today, I will hope that tomorrow will retain the relief of this moment and lead to a world with a little less fear and a little more conversation.

The Art of Procrastination

Procrastina...When I was working on my undergraduate degree, I had a friend (with whom I’m still friends) that shared my proclivity for procrastination. She knew the degree of importance to her of any given assignment due to the activities she did instead of said task.

Chatting with friends about the newest movie of the moment indicated a low-level assignment. Debating the relative merits of obscure 1980s films was reserved for more time intensive and higher point papers. Obsessive dental hygiene was a reserved for semester-end research papers.  Continue reading The Art of Procrastination

An almost existential crisis upon reading “Conservative Pie; Republicans Introduce Legislation Redefining Pi”

The current world bordersThe other morning, I saw a tweet from Chris Hardwick (who is a hilarious human that I don’t know personally because he’s kinda famous). I followed the link because the idea that a Republican Representative from Alabama introducing actual legislation to make pi=3 was almost unbelievable.

So I read through the article on the tiny phone screen and caught just enough in the tone to know research would be required until I was sold. I tend toward skepticism with most information, especially when said info comes from the internets. After I pulled up a laptop, I found, to my relief, that the article was on a comedy section of the main site. A quick search through the U.S. House of Reps (a remarkably user-friendly site, which made me happy for at least some of what my taxes fund) substantiated my credulity – the bill defied discovery through all possible means. Continue reading An almost existential crisis upon reading “Conservative Pie; Republicans Introduce Legislation Redefining Pi”

All that is good

Today was one of those days that promised much when the sun rose, but turned sharply somewhere in the middle and nearly fell into the clutches of TERRIBLE. Taxes as an independent contractor have become the bane of my existence.

There was some yelling, a few tears, and a little bit of over-reaction, in the manner of nearly falling prey to TERRIBLE. But I talked with a friend, heard the promise a plan, and had the perfect amount of wine that needed to be drunk anyway.

But what returned the day to a more helpful path was the practice of acknowledging all the good of today.

I got to participate in a philosophy lecture. I trekked through an interactive science museum with a science-major friend. I have learned to play Amanda Palmer’s song, “In My Mind”. My friend truly listened and commiserated. And the sunset this evening was breathtakingly beautiful.

And so, though I’m still rather stressed about obnoxious taxes, today was pretty good on the whole. And this too shall pass.

I dwell in possibility

I haven’t been writing recently because I couldn’t. Journaling led my mind down unhelpfully distracting bunny trails; stories stagnated after the first line or two; frustrations over minor setbacks roadblocked my blogging.

Maybe you’ve been in this kind of situation. You think it’s writers block or something only mastered by pushing through and continuing to write. That’s what I thought, but when my inability to write only grew, I knew the reason was something I’d never encountered.

So I followed the only logical path and stopped writing. I hardly even tweeted original thoughts, leaving my feed to pass along information from other people I wanted to share. I embraced the lack of writing in my life (although begrudgingly) and opted instead to think through the potential causes, to reconnect with friends I made not online, to make new friends.

The distance from my current way of life showed me that the possibilities were happening so fast they were overwhelming my ability to organize my thoughts. TCA moved so fast that I had more opportunities than I knew what to do with, new options for sharing my writing kept appearing, everyone had a great idea that I wanted to help with all at once, and I had so many stories running through my head I couldn’t tell them apart.

I know for many people these kinds of moments make life exciting. And it was exciting. But I hadn’t prepared for the onslaught of possibility, and so I was overwhelmed.

But the time away from everything, especially those that I love and make my life fantastic, gave my brain the space it needed to get itself organized.

So now I can dwell in possibility, embracing life and what I love.

Bookmark I dwell in possibility

Unspeakable Moments

I’ve just come back from a trip 6 hours northwest of Brisbane to a tiny town of about 400 called Eidsvold. I love this town and I’ve been there several times. Each time is filled with moments that I love to share, and this one was no different but most of those moments will have to wait until I’ve finished downloading the pictures.

There are numerous other moments in this trip that are unspeakable. A few because I would prefer to forget them, several because others would prefer to forget them, and different ones that should never have been.

But then there is a category of moments that are unspeakable because the language does not exist to express them truly.

I could recount the details for you and include all the descriptive language that I know and have a utterly factual retelling of the moment, but that would still not capture these unspeakable moments. The language that I have and can share with others does not cover or encompass the truth of these moments because the moments are somehow beyond expression. To the point where the best way for me to share them with any who are reading this blog is to say that I cannot share these moments because to do so would require me to have the ability to trade places with you in that moment. And I would risk losing the moment entirely in giving it to you. So, because I am selfish, but mostly because there are moments that are too precious for me to relinquish, the only way I am willing to share them is by saying that if I could have you experience those moments and retain my own experience I would, because my unspeakable moments in this category are my most valuable possession.

Busy? Perhaps, but definitely alive.

I woke up this morning at 6:40 for unknown reasons. I hardly ever wake up this early, even intentionally, so why I would wake up at this unfamiliar hour, I don’t know. But I was awake and not going back to sleep.

 

I left my computer on to install free antivirus software (avast! Home edition which announces found viruses in a manner more suited to submarine warfare) so I decided to open it up and see where the install stood. Which then led me online to register the new software, so of course I got sidetracked catching up on my twitter feed, which then led to Mur Lafferty’s login for her Inside Story promotion of her newest work (still in progress) War and a crazy video of a Japanese(?) woman wrestler demonstrating something called a shining wizard posted by another author, Matt Wallace, which led to think.

 

I do a lot of stuff.

 

Not that I accomplish much, or do things that are always worthwhile, but I do a lot of stuff. It’s now just after 8am and not only have I done the things listed in the last paragraph, but I’ve started this blog which will be posted soon. After this post, I’ll finish editing the .jpg that I need for a website banner. And then I’ll get ready for the day, pick up danishes, and go to my Wednesday morning coffee hangout. No wonder I forget important tasks and dates – I have so many connections and tasks and responsibilities, it’s a wonder I can still find anything.

 

And yet, as much as I have in my head, I wouldn’t give everything up. Not that I always can or want to be as connected as I am, but when I leave some of the connections dangling, I miss them. In moving recently, I had so much in my head, that there were quite a few connections I had to let go. I couldn’t read all my friends’ blogs or write my own. I can see the signs of neglect in these areas, and now I am digging in and picking up. And it makes me happy, which is something I haven’t really been lately because of the level of stress I was running my life.

 

I’m seeing the details of life that I have been missing – not just the posts I didn’t get to read, but the colors in the sunset and the flowers on the trees and the green of the grass. This is a good time to wake up and see the world because the world is waking up and putting on a show.

 

But now it’s time for me to start getting closer to starting my day; it’s almost 8:30…

authorship

This will probably be a recurring title as I work on finishing my MA. I love authors. My favorite authors also tend to be literary critics.eliot
LikeT.S. Eliot. I love him. Yeah he was kind of a jerk (or really, whatever), but not only was he a great poet, he was an excellent theorist. Decades before Barthes, Eliot advocated for authors to be disregarded while reading a work.

I don’t do this.

It’s not because I don’t like Eliot (see above), it’s just that I can’t! I love to learn things, anything, and when it comes to authors I really enjoy learning about them and their time. It opens up so much for me when I read their work.

But I don’t get bound by them either. I think only red-herrings are more annoying to me than an author trying to control how I understand the work they’ve created. I don’t completely discount them, but authors aren’t God (sorry authors). As much as some of you would like to think you’re omniscient, especially concerning your works, you aren’t. I think it would be impossible. Even in this post, a relatively non-creative work, I will see ideas, insights, flashes of stories, brief reflections of brilliance, and so much more that I am not intending in this moment as I write.

Why don’t I know everything if I’m the author? Well, partly because I’m not smart enough to keep track of all of my thoughts and influences consciously, but also partly because language is dynamic. These words might not mean the same thing to me tomorrow that they do now. Don’t believe me? What did September 11 mean in 2000? What did it mean in 2002? What does it mean today? What will it mean in 3001? Language, even seemingly static language stuck on a page, changes.
So while I don’t disregard the author completely, neither do I worship the author. I simply add all of that information that informs the text to my reading of the text this time around and then let it blend together in the sieve of my mind. And as I add more information and readings and life, I run it all through the sieve again.
Maybe I feel most comfortable discussing literature from this platform because I like to read and edit and analyze and enjoy literature. I think the editing is particularly helpful for this.

See, when I edit I have to keep track of the story. This may sound simple, but it’s really not. I have to keep in mind the scope of the story as a whole, something complete and finished even as it is in progress. But I also have to keep track of the tiny details. And to use my time effectively I have to keep all this in my head on top of my own reactions as a reader and thinking as a more generalized reader, while I read the story once.

As if this wasn’t hard enough, I also have to keep in mind the voice and tone of the work when I offer suggestions and try to prevent my own voice from dominating. I can never take myself out of a work, but I can do my best to minimize my presence so that it can fade into the background and emphasize the brilliance of the author.

But does that make me a co-author?

This was the question I found myself asking today while I was reading through another draft of my friend’s story. The question probably would have wander back and forth like a ten year-old trying to attract parental attention before wandering away, except that this version was ensconced in an email that mentioned each draft of the story had been completely re-worked based on my comments.

At first I was taken aback by the comment simply because I don’t think of myself as offering insight that powerful. I honestly felt a little bad, as though somehow I had destroyed another’s creation through mis-guided attempts at help. But then I realized

this is what editors often do for authors.

And in a way it was kind of freeing.

Because I know that I have not forced or coerced these changes in the story (for the most part), I can rest assured that this story still belongs to the author and that I haven’t destroyed anything.

But that doesn’t make my relationship with the text any less complicated.
There is only one part of one line that I created in the story so far, and I offered it amongst several options for a phrase that didn’t seem to fit. Other than that, the story has changed and shifted because I provided my questions/thoughts/reactions/associations/opinions/ for the author to consider. Any changes steming from that are completely authorized.

And yet, they still reflect me. Certainly they reflect more my immiatation of the author, but they still reflect me. And the story exists in the form I read through today in part because I read it, and also because I shared my thoughts.

And when I read this story I see the author almost distilled and reflected in it, which I expect without acknowledgement. But I also see today, with all our hopes/fears/pains/loves/concerns/joys/lives also distilled and reflected in this story. There are phrases that if I weren’t living today I would never read as allusions. I see the political environment, our economic environment, our world precariously balanced as it is in this story. And the hope for a better tomorrow also shines in this story. But they are so slight as to be overlooked should this story be read in 30 years.

And I will, more likely than, not never be known in association with this story, so my reflections will go unnoticed and understood differently. Which leads me to another question – would I still be an author in that time when my fingerprints are smudged?

I don’t know the answers to these questions. They are ones I think about often, not only because I enjoy editing, but because I am an English academic with an emphasis in textual criticism and authorship theory. The questions don’t get any easier when applied to dead authors. But the complexity is fun. I will probably be thinking of answers to these questions, especially as I move into fields where my livelihood depends on having a definite answer to what role I’ve played in producing a work, for the rest of my life.

And I’m quite content with that.

Grading

The amount of things that I could say about grading would overrun Orange County’s coastline. It always stresses me out. Recently it has made me want to cry because I have had so much to do.

And then I read one of the essays and I nearly did cry.

Sometimes when I read what the students have to say, I get really excited because they are very smart and see the world in a way that makes me hopeful for the world. There have been a few times that the students have been so on target and so insightful that I’ve almost blogged about it (and next time that happens I will post about it). But this time, it wasn’t the insightfulness that made me emotional.

To be completely fair, I had a stack of grading to get through, and I was feeling more than a little overwhelmed. With two sets of essays, four sets of responses (mini-essays), and all the family obligations that come with Thanksgiving, along with my own work, I had more than enough to keep me busy for the break. So by the time I got to this essay, I was a little on edge. But I’m fairly certain that I would have reacted badly no matter the situation.

See, this essay was about how people who are homosexual shouldn’t be allowed to marry because it goes against what the Bible says.

Sure, I had to deal with an essay that goes against what I believe, but that wasn’t my issue. I can handle lots of dissenting opinions, and I whole-heartedly embrace differing view-points. I had already gone through lots of essays that presented ideas that disagree with my own. So it wasn’t the view-point. They were actually very clear about their view-point which I respected. What made me ill reading it, and what made me want to cry when I’d finished it, was the presentation of a bigoted perspective in a tone of absolute righteous wrath. The phrases they used, the words they chose to describe their perspective absolutely astounded me. Sentences that made it seem as though God hated anyone who was different (from normal I can only assume since they didn’t explain, though I’m not sure what normal is); phrases that said homosexuals were monsters and implied they deserved their mis-treatment; and overall the idea that people who truly believed in God would never question what was written in the Bible. It makes my heart hurt to think about the fact that I would read these words anywhere, but it makes me ill that I read these ideas in a student paper.

And it was through processing this that I realized that what I really face every time I grade – I face setting aside my personal understanding of the world so that I can focus on what the students are saying and the way they are communicating it. And while that is difficult, what makes it overwhelming is that I can see where their biases show through like beacons on a dark night. And to top it all off, I can see that they don’t even notice their biases or how those impact their writing. But they are freshmen and most of them are true freshmen, right out of high school, so my comfort is that with more experience with life, they will perhaps see their biases.

But that may just be my own bias.

Because I tend to overexplain…

Ok, so I haven’t posted in a while… Sorry. I was insanely busy and then had nothing to do, and I apparently needed a mental break because I have done very little that’s productive (except work on a quilt) and I’ve mastered Rayman’s Raving Rabbids on a Wii (it’s the first video game I’ve completed ever – make of that what you will). I’ve also started planning for the college freshman composition (writing) class I’ll be teaching this fall. But I’m starting to be more like my normal (define at your own risk) self again, which means that I’ll be writing again soon (I think). It helps that I get to start work again soon. So that’s my apology/explanation/excuse/some other word for why I haven’t posted in a while. Hopefully I’ll be better from here on out