Do you ever have those moments where you can’t even think about what you have to do when the sun rises (or whatever time your day starts) without your breath catching?
I have them more often than I would like. And, through the years, I’ve developed lots of coping skills, but they’re only good if I recognize fast enough that I’m either in the midst of, or on the brink of, one of those times. Like Tamaflu’s prime effective window is with in 2 days of getting the flu.
This one snuck up on me. I’ve been really good about writing in my journal (which is vital to my mental health) as of late. But I realized yesterday, when a non-issue at my work became a thing in my head, that I’m(hoping) in the middle of one of those times.
When my hair was long, I would randomly cut it during these times. But now I keep my hair short, I’d probably get the same looks Debra gets in Empire Records. I wouldn’t cut it out of frustration with my hair (honestly my hair is one thing I’m vain about), but because my hair and its length were solidly within my control. Having that element of control when everything else feels out of control continues as one of my favorite pet illusions.
But I didn’t have that. I did what I will apparently always turn to – travel.
I planned 2 trips for the next 6 weeks in 1 day. I’m going to visit friends and leave my current life behind for just a moment, because the bell jar is beginning to close in, and I need to breathe. I am trying very hard not to plan the details of my trips. I have my transportation. I have places to stay. And other than that, I’ll leave it to the mood that takes me at the time.
Because when my coffee cups pile up, it’s time to get out of dodge for a minute and hopefully learn what life holds by stepping out of my life. When I come back, my hope rests on having the energy then to face the next work day.
So I’m off on grand adventures. Or at least mini mental health retreats. Because no one wants FAFSA advice from a crazy person.